BLACK RIBBON
by Patcat
Summary: In the midst of LOYALTY


BLACK RIBBON

Spoilers for LOYALTY, Part 1

I know nothing about whether Ross was a religious Jew and less about Jewish funerals. I apologize for any mistakes.

He was surprised and pleased that his dress blues fit ok. He hadn't worn them since Kevin Quinn's funeral, and his weight had fluctuated since then. The jacket and pants were actually a bit loose, and he realized that one of his larger pale blue dress shirts would fit him. He preferred wearing pale blue shirts with his uniform. Part of this was vanity—he'd been told he looked good in pale blue—but it was also because the Brass favored white shirts, and Bobby Goren disliked any association with the Brass, even in matters of dress. He carefully placed one of the tie clips Eames gave him one Christmas on his black tie and slipped on his jacket. He lifted the silk black ribbon from his dresser, looped it around his badge, and pinned the badge to his jacket. He walked into the bathroom and stared at his reflection. He didn't look like a cop who'd betrayed his Captain and brought about his death.

"Eames told me not to torture myself," he thought. "But that was when we were trying to stay ahead of the FBI…And what good did it do us? If Ross had just told us…If I had asked him…It was so hard with him…I never knew if it was the cop or the politician talking to me…" He rubbed the back of his neck. "I shoulda pushed him…I knew he wasn't dirty…He was too good of a man…I shoulda walked out with him…" Bobby leaned on the sink. "I gotta stop thinking like this…Until we catch the guys who killed him…I owe him that…At the very least…I owe him that…"

A knock at his front door broke in on his thoughts. "Eames…" He picked up his cap and walked to the door. When he opened it, he found a very well turned out Alex Eames holding two cups of coffee.

"Figured you could use this," she said in a voice that didn't quite hide that she was upset.

"I…I can…Thank you…" Bobby closed and locked his door before he took a cup from her. "You…You look good…Very good…" In truth, she looked beautiful. He liked it when she wore her hair swept away from her face so that he could see her eyes and features.

"You…You look good too," Alex said softly. "Although your uniform looks a little loose…But that's a good thing. And I like the blue shirt."

"Thank you…I just wish…It wasn't…"

"I know…"

The drive to Major Case was silent for the first few minutes.

"Nichols coming with us?" Bobby finally asked.

"Yea…" Alex steered around a taxi. "He told me that Wheeler will be at the funeral. I had a call from Mike Logan…He'll be there…And Deakins will be there too."

Bobby stared out the passenger window. "I…I haven't seen any of them for a while…"

"They were all at your mother's…I'm sorry…"

"It's ok," Bobby said. "Everything that's happened since then…And time helps…It…It doesn't hurt…As much…"

"I don't look forward to seeing Ross' boys…"

"Yea…" Bobby slumped in his seat.

"It wasn't your fault, Bobby…If he'd just told you…Us…"

"He…He never really trusted me," Bobby said. "Not that I blame him…"

"You two got off to a really bad start," Alex said. "He came to respect you…Trust you…He was a good guy, Bobby, but….As bright as he was…He wasn't used to a brighter guy being around…And I guess that when he was partnered with Nichols…"

"I…I made his life so hard…I accused him of stuff…He tried to protect me…And I probably got him killed…"

Alex yanked the steering wheel and pulled the van over. "Robert Goren…Nothing you did blew his cover…And if he'd just told you…Us…He should've known he could trust us…And you didn't pull that trigger…"

She checked the traffic and pulled back into its flow. The ride was quiet until they reached One Police Plaza. Nichols, fidgeting with black ribbon on his badge, waited on a corner. As Alex stopped the van, Bobby started to leave the front seat, but Nichols waved him off and opened the door behind Alex.

"It's ok," Zach said. "Plenty of room here."

"Is that a comment about my size?" Alex asked.

"It could be a comment about Goren's size," Zach said smoothly.

"Bright guy," Bobby said. "He's figured out how to deflect your snark."

"You both look good," Zach said. "I'm afraid I haven't worn my blues for a while."

"We only seem to wear ours for funerals," Alex said wistfully.

Bobby's grip on his cap tightened.

"I hope we can find a parking spot," Alex said.

"There's one near the temple," Zach said. "I have some cousins who attend there."

"I…I knew he was Jewish…And proud of it," Bobby said. "Was…Was he observant?"

"It was more cultural," Zach said. "He told me the identity was kinda forced on him when he was a kid, but he took a lot of pride in it as he got older. His father was one of the first Jewish cops to break into the Brass."

"His family has almost as many ties to the NYPD as mine," Alex said.

Bobby thought that this was something Alex would know. It was clear she knew much more about Danny Ross than he did.

"He had a lot to live up to," Zach said. "His grandfather and father…His sister…"

"You said she was your first partner?" Alex asked as she moved the SUV through the streets.

"My first when I made detective…She's a captain in Queens somewhere…Good cop…Good person…" Zach shook his head. "To say she's upset would be an understatement."

"Do…Do you know how his sons are?" Bobby hated asking a question when he already knew the answer.

"No…I haven't seen them…But they were close to their Dad…Danny really fought to stay in their lives," Zach said.

"The people who made this offer to him," Alex said. "They didn't really know him…Ross would never have taken a job that would take him that far away from his kids…"

Bobby stared out the window. "I…I tried to talk to him…Just before he left Major Case that night…"

Zach spoke before Alex could. "This wasn't your fault. If he was undercover for the FBI, the FBI shoulda protected him. He respected you…"

Bobby slumped in his seat. Zach leaned forward.

"He did…He told me he'd never met a cop with your guts and brains…That you were as smart as me…And just as frustrating…You know, if you're going to blame someone, you should blame me…"

"Please," Alex said. "One man beating himself up in this car is one too many."

Bobby turned in his seat to face Zach. "You mean," he said slowly. "Because you gave Ross such a hard time…Because I reminded Ross of you…Ross never felt he could completely trust me…" Bobby shook his head. "That doesn't make any sense…"

"It makes as much sense as you taking the blame for any of this," Zach replied.

"I'm not sure how you got there, but that's what I've been trying to tell him," Alex said.

"We…We're there," Bobby said softly.

A sea of blue stretched out in front of them. Alex carefully maneuvered the SVU into a parking spot. Bobby considered staying outside, but Ross was his captain, and he had tried to protect him. And the man apparently thought more of him than Bobby thought. He let Alex and Zach lead the way into the temple. As their eyes adjust to the light, Bobby saw a lonely Megan Wheeler, her black suit emphasizing her pale color, across the floor. He tapped Zach on the arm and pointed her out.

"Poor kid," Zach said. "She thought a lot of Ross. I'll go talk to her…Maybe bring her back…"

"Yea," Alex said. "I see my uncle and my brother…" She turned to Bobby.

"It's ok," Bobby said. "Go…"

Bobby watched Alex and Zach walk away. He slumped back against the wall and tried to disappear. He blinked, and across the hall he saw Elizabeth Rodgers duplicating his movements.

"She looks worse than I feel," Bobby thought. "And where does she fit in in all of this? I don't know where she and Ross were at…Didn't Eames say they broke up?"

Rodgers' eyes met Bobby's, and he thought he saw a cry for help in them. "It can't be," he thought. "Even if she wants help…Why would she want me…Especially me…"

His instinct to help others—as it always did—overwhelmed his fear. Clinging as much as he could to the wall, he scuttled across the temple. Empty seats surround Rodgers. She was composed, but very pale, pale even for Rodgers whose color reflected the many hours she spent in the dimly lit morgue. Bobby didn't know how to approach her. Rodgers upset was a new experience for him. She was always extraordinarily detached and unemotional.

"Doctor," he said, pleased that his voice was calm. "May I?" He waved a hand towards one of the empty chairs.

"Detective…Yes…Please…"

He was enormously relieved that she seemed to be grateful for his appearance. Bobby sat carefully on the folding chair, which made him feel like a Great Dane on a bench made for a toy poodle.

"I'm surprised I haven't been hit by lightening," Rodgers said shakily. "It's been a long time since I've been in any kind of religious building."

"Yea." Bobby fingered the edges of his cap. "Things like this…It's the only time I…"

"He…He wasn't that observant," Rodgers said. "It…It was an argument with his mother…"

Bobby reflected that religion was a frequent point of contention with his mother. He suspected that Ross didn't have to convince his mother that God wasn't sending her secret messages through the radio. "It often is in families," he said softly.

"I think this service is taking place because of his Mom or some other relative." Rodgers took a deep breath. "I'm sorry, Detective…I'm babbling…It's just…I haven't had much sleep…It…It was such a shock…I thought…I thought I was beyond any shock…"

Bobby nodded. "Yea…There always seems to be something…Although I guess being numb isn't good either."

"I…I'm not sure why I'm here," Rodgers said. She leaned forward. "I don't really know any of his family. I met his sons a couple of times…I guess they're good kids…I don't know a lot of teenagers…They were kind to me and thought my job was cool…I met his sister once….I know there's a large support system…I don't think I'm here for them…"

"Of course not," Bobby said gently. "You're here for him…And yourself…"

Rodgers studied Bobby. She'd heard the stories of how he could read people's minds, how he could twist perps' heads inside out, and how he could empathize with victims. She'd never seen that particular aspect of his talents. She'd seen the terrifyingly focused investigator who wouldn't or couldn't let anyone or anything get in his way. Looking into his dark eyes, Rodgers felt as if Bobby Goren was the only person who knew and understood what she felt. It was something she'd experienced only with the detective walking up behind Goren, and that in a much more impersonal way.

"Rodgers…How are you?" Zach Nichols asked.

Goren's head inclined towards Nichols, and Rodgers sensed that the two men were comfortable with each other. It occurred to her that she rarely saw Goren comfortable with any other cop than Alex Eames.

"I…I'm all right," Rodgers said. She liked Zach Nichols, and there was a time when she trusted him as much as she did any detective, but she was still in the process of reacquainting with the man. She certainly didn't feel the same connection she did with Goren, especially the connection she'd felt in the last few minutes. She didn't feel quite ready to reveal all of her feelings to Nichols. She sensed that both Goren and Nichols knew she wasn't "ok", but neither was going to push her. Goren seemed to understand her reserve, and Nichols seemed to have changed in some ways since he'd departed and returned to the NYPD. In the past, he would've pressed her.

Alex Eames, accompanied by a red-eyed Megan Wheeler, appeared.

"What happened?" Wheeler asked. "Who's in charge of the investigation?"

"We are," Alex said. "And it's been frustrating…"

The start of the service ended further conversation. Stuck up against a pillar, Bobby again tried to disappear. He watched the proceedings through a haze. Rodgers stiffened when Ross' ex-wife, accompanied by her two sons, entered. The two boys looked like younger, ganglier versions of Ross. The oldest was nearly as tall as his father; the youngest needed a haircut. They struggled, not entirely successfully, to keep tears from streaking down their faces. Friends of Ross, members of his family, a few of the NYPD Brass and city politicians spoke.

And then everything was over. Bobby was struck, as he always was at a funeral, by how the short the service was in comparison to a life. The Brass, including the Chief of Detectives, surrounded the Ross family. The Chief of Ds was either genuinely upset or giving an Oscar worthy performance. Bobby wondered if the Chief was really concerned about investigating Ross' death or if he was trying to protect his own turf. The Chief spoke to Ross' ex-wife, and Bobby turned towards Rodgers. Her face was a mask, but Bobby wondered how unfair it was that the woman who'd created most of Ross personal pain in recent years was receiving condolences while the woman who'd known him best and brought him comfort in recent months was ignored. Bobby fought an urge to hug Rodgers. The gesture didn't seem right for either of them, the time, and the place. He felt he should do something, but it was Alex who reached out and gently rubbed Rodgers' back.

"Goren…"

Bobby turned to face Mike Logan, who was followed by James Deakins.

"Good to see you again," Logan said. "But not this way…" He stepped closer to Rodgers. "Liz…I'm so sorry…" He did what Bobby couldn't, and hugged Rodgers.

"Thanks, Mike," Rodgers said in a choked voice. She wiped her eyes.

"And sorry for you, Wheeler," Logan said, and hugged the younger woman.

A series of introductions followed.

"Bobby," Deakins said warmly. "Good to know there's still a good man and detective in the NYPD."

"Uh…Thank you, sir," Bobby said shyly. He tried to think of something else to say. Alex rescued him by introducing their former captain to Nichols and Wheeler. Bobby lurked on the group's edge. Someone, probably Logan, suggested going for drinks. Bobby started to mumble something about needing to get back to work, but Alex reminded him that they were still waiting for information and stalling the FBI.

Bobby drank two scotches and then switched to iced tea. Deakins began and stayed with iced tea. Logan, who Bobby thought never drank as much as his reputation indicated, had one more alcoholic drink than Bobby. Alex limited herself to two margaritas. Nichols drank two complicated looking concoctions before switching to tea. Wheeler drank cokes, explaining that she never regained the taste for alcohol after quitting it during her pregnancy. But Rodgers pounded back several shots with the air of a woman who wanted to forget something. For several hours they shared stories about Ross, most of them told by Wheeler and Nichols, and many of them bringing the group to tears in the middle of laughter.

Alex finally broke up the party. "I'm sorry…but Nichols and Goren and I have to get back to Major Case."

No one disagreed, but Logan leaned forward. "Someone should get Rodgers home…I'd do it, but I'm giving Wheeler and Deakins a ride. And Rodgers drove her own car."

"Where does she live?" Alex asked. "Maybe we could…"

"I know where she lives," Bobby said softly. "I needed some results from her one night. It's not that far from One PP. I could drive her car home. You could take Nichols back to Major Case…He can get caught up on the reports…And then pick me up…"

"You two still spend a lot of time in the crib?" Deakins asked.

Alex smiled wanly. "When we get to sleep…"

"The difficult thing," Nichols said. "Will be to convince Rodgers…"

A team consisting of Nichols, Logan, Deakins and Bobby approached Rodgers with the plan. She resisted at first, but readily admitted she was in no shape to drive. She became more accepting of the plan when Bobby was presented as her driver.

"You always drive," Rodgers said to Alex. "Is he safe?"

"Actually," Alex smiled. "He's a very good driver. I drive because I want to and because it gives Bobby a chance to think. I can recommend him."

Rodgers fumbled in her purse, pulled out her car keys, and shakily held them out to Bobby. "All right," she said.

Bobby and Rodgers walked to her car. She wasn't falling down drunk, but she was clearly feeling little pain. She weaved as she walked, and seemed very vulnerable. Bobby found it disconcerting to see this side of Rodgers. She shivered in the cold late afternoon air, and Bobby moved closer to her to try to block some of the wind.

"You warm enough?" he asked.

"My jacket…Not quite thick enough…" Rodgers replied. "Here…"

Bobby unlocked the passenger side and helped Rodgers in. He slipped behind and adjusted the seat. "You can get some sleep if you want," he said.

She was quiet, and Bobby hoped she'd taken his suggestion.

"I…I'm sorry," she suddenly said. "That I didn't make it to your mother's funeral."

"That…That's all right…" Bobby swallowed. "Thank you…For the contribution…"

"I got your thank you…I thought I recognized Detective Eames' handwriting…"

"She…She was a big help…She's always a big help…" Bobby shook his head. "I don't deserve her."

"She's told me she doesn't deserve you…"

Bobby's grip tightened on the steering wheel. Rodgers leaned her head back against her seat and closed her eyes. Bobby again hoped she'd fall asleep.

"I'm sorry," Rodgers said again.

"Uh…What for?"

"That test…That damn DNA test…I promised you…I shouldn't have told Danny…But…I told him…Because I thought you were in so much trouble…I really wanted to help you…"

"I should never have placed you in that position," Bobby said firmly. "I should have found another way to have the test done…"

"You didn't have a lot of choices," Rodgers said. "Especially if you wanted privacy. I promised you that…And I didn't keep my word…Danny…Danny never believed you could be a killer…He…He wanted to clear you…It's why he kept things quiet…and Eames on the case…"

"You…You did what you thought was right," Bobby said. "And…And I think it was right…I know Ross didn't tell anyone…And you didn't…Eames is the only other person that knows…Aside from Gage…" Bobby shook. "And I don't think he's capable of remembering it now."

"When did you tell Eames?"

"I…I told her even before I had the test," Bobby said. "She didn't blink an eye. Just told me I should go ahead and have the test done since I'd have to have the answer."

"Of course she did," Rodgers said. "She knows who you are. That you're a good man, and who you are has nothing to do with whoever gave you your genes."

"You're the scientist here," Bobby said shakily. "If you think that, I guess I should defer to your judgment…"

They rode in silence for several minutes.

"I…I'm sorry," Bobby said. "I had no right to invade the morgue like that…"

"Detective…We've discussed that…"

"I don't understand why you didn't press charges," Bobby continued. "Or why Ross didn't…" Bobby thought for a moment. "You…You talked to him…Defended me…"

"I didn't have to push very hard," Rodgers said. "Danny…Danny was on your side…He respected you…He even liked you sometimes…He told me about your correcting him about Batman…Said it was all he could do to keep from laughing…"

"I…I don't understand," Bobby said. "After all I did…Do…"

"You don't…And never did…That much," Rodgers said. "You care about what you do…And you get and care about what I do…Here's the garage…"

Bobby carefully parked Rodgers' car.

"You don't have to walk me to my apartment," Rodgers said. She opened her door and nearly fell out of the car. Bobby moved quickly to her side and steadied her.

"I think I should," he said.

"Yea…Maybe you should…"

She leaned heavily on him as they walked to her apartment. She fumbled with her key when they reached her door, but couldn't quite get it in the lock. Bobby gently took the key from her and opened the door. He clicked on a light and guided her in. Her apartment slightly surprised him. There were plenty of medical and scientific books on the many shelves, but also several volumes of poetry and complete sets of Jane Austen and Charles Dickens. Two vibrantly colored watercolors dominated one wall of the living room, and Bobby saw the initials "ER" in a corner on both.

"I didn't know you painted," he said. He tilted his head. "I like these."

"Thank you…Those two are some of the few things I've done that I like…"

A long, lean, elegant cat with tuxedo marking appeared on the back of the couch. He regarded Bobby gravely. Bobby extended a hand. The cat sniffed it, and rubbed his head against it. Bobby scratched the cat's head.

"Hello, Fred," Rodgers said. "You must be special, Goren…Fred is very selective."

Bobby smiled. "You going to be ok?"

"Yea…Thank you for getting me home…I guess you won't reveal that I don't live in a cave surrounded by body parts and medical instruments?"

Bobby crossed his heart. "Your secrets are safe with me."

They stood awkwardly for several moments. Many things were being left unsaid. The chirp of Bobby's cell phone broke the silence.

"Eames," he said as he checked it. "She'll be here soon…" He turned to leave.

"Danny…Danny thought a lot of you, Detective…" Rodgers choked. "God…I'm going to miss him…"

Bobby moved quickly to her. He caught her as the sobs took her and half guided, half carried her to the sofa. Fred watched with a cat's dispassionate interest as Bobby held Rodgers and she sobbed into his shoulder. Bobby rubbed her back until she stopped.

"I…I'm sorry," she said as she pulled away from him. "I…I…"

"It's ok," Bobby said.

"I…I'll be ok…"

"You sure? I could…"

"I'm sure." Rodgers rubbed her eyes. "Just get the people who did this to him."

"We will." Bobby stood and walked to the door. He hesitated. "I…I don't know if this will help," he said. "It…It will never really be ok…But it will get better…You…You need anything…Anyone…Eames and I…Eames especially…She's a lot better at this than I am…"

Rodgers smiled weakly. "You're doing a pretty good job, Detective. I'm ok now…Thank you…"

"You're welcome."

Alex waited for him in front of the building. Bobby slipped in the passenger seat.

"She ok?" Alex asked.

"She…She's better…She wants us to get the people who did this…"

"Let's do that…"

END


End file.
